The Man With The Golden Laser
by GoddessofSnark
Summary: Forgive the tacky title, it's Bond meets Rocky Horror!
1. Default Chapter

A/N this is a VERY twisted idea that is semi serious……not really, but I can't write something that is full of funny lines. But its still a parody. And a crossover. For those who don't know, ol' Chuckie played Blofeld (In DRAG too!) in Diamonds Are Forever, as well as Crim. This is using half of the Shock Treatment conspiracy theory with Crim is also Judge Wright. So this is what would happen if MI6 found out that ol' Oliver was really Bond's archenemy. Real weird, I know, but enjoy it!

** 

The office was empty, as it usually was on a Saturday, with only three people there. M, Moneypenny, and himself. And the only reason why any of them were there was because of an old enemy. He made his way back into M's office, where he was immediately buzzed in, and sat down facing the stout woman. She pulled a file out from the shelf behind her, and laid it out on the desk. He picked it up, and leafed through it. Most of it was information he already new, until he came to the end. 

"He's surfaced again."

"In a little town called Denton. Your mission is to find him, and expedite him back to London. If he is planning something, stop it before you bring him here. If you can, bring him back alive." Bond nodded. M looked at him long and hard. "He is still considered extremely dangerous…"

"He always was." Bond cut in. 

"Just be careful." M said. M looked to Bond like a son. And he was the best they had. If they lost him, they'd lose a very valuable agent. 

**

They sat around the table, making idle chitchat. The guys were all talking, and so were their matching mates. As they normally did, they were comparing each other. 

"Ralph's getting quite boring, he doesn't do anything interesting! I'm getting sick of it!" Betty, who she could consider her best friend was relating her blues about her husband. 

"I know what you mean. Brad's so afraid of doing something wrong, he does hardly anything wrong!" They both laughed at that, completely oblivious to what the men were saying. 

The men were complaining about boredom as well, but not of being bored with their wives. Instead, they were complaining about the town. It was a small suburb, and it seemed as if nothing happened. And Brad wasn't too keen to tell about what had happened on that late November evening 3 years ago. Little did they know just how much action was going to befall their town. 

**

While Bond was being informed about his new assignment, and while the four Dentonians were talking about how bored they were, there were another four people, just reaching the very edges of the galaxy when something went very wrong. What was supposed to be a foolproof plan had gone wrong, and had gone wrong a while ago, but it had just reached the point of no return.

The misson was very cut and dried to begin with. Or so it had seemed. Meet with the contact, begin plans for the invasion. But somewhere, it had gone wrong. But they had fixed things. They had killed him, or so they had thought. But if they had killed him, then what was he doing slumped against the door to their bedroom, obviously breathing. 

"You!" he proclaimed at the site of the bedraggled man decked out only in a corset and fishnets. 

"Me." He said, and walked to the nightstand, where a pack of cigarettes lay. He pulled one out and lit it, staring intently at the couple, sprawled out on the bed. 

"You're alive!" he said, incredulously. 

"I am." He said, sitting down on the bed,still sopping wet, but he didn't give a damn. 

"Wh-how-why?" Riff stammered, staring at him incrediously. Frank shrugged. 

"I don't know. But, there is a mission to be finished. Surely you're not going to forget about that. Although it seems as if you were. But as since I'm not dead, I demand that you turn this ship around." Riff was about to refuse, until Frank pulled out a laser, the same one that had almost killed him not that long ago. He grinned as Riff promptly closed his mouth, and got up silently, leaving Magenta asleep on the bed. 


	2. chapter2

A/N I'm a little hesistant about this one, I'm going to keep writing it even if I don't get any reviews. Note that this was written for fun, and it all stems from one really weird idea I had, and well, just don't flame me!  
  
He walked through the terminal, stretching slightly. It felt good to be out of the stuffy confines of the plane. It wasn't long before he was greeted by a familiar face.  
  
"Ah, there ya are, you limey!" Felix Leiter said, hobbiling over to him. Felix hadn't changed much over the years. The hair a bit more gray to it, the face, a few more wrinkles, the limp was more pronounced. But he looked very much the same.  
  
"Hello there Felix" Bond said, claiming his suitcase from the carosel. They walked out to Felix's car, catching up on old times. It wasn't until they got in the old Studelac that they even began to discuss the mission.  
  
"Now, I assume that you've been briefed as to who he's become."  
  
"A Judge Oliver Wright, apparently one of the most prominent men in Denton."  
  
"Yes, that would be him. Looks exactly the same from what I've heard. It's been pretty quiet out there, and they don't take too kindly to anyone coming in and messing things up. So I'd keep it down a bit if I were you." Bond nodded in agreement.  
  
The airport was not far from the town, and before long, they found themselves driving past a small church and cemetery, where the sole sign that pronounced what the sign was stood. "Denton, The Home Of Happiness" It read. Little did the home of happiness know that it was harboring the largest criminal mastermind any government had ever faced.  
  
~~**~~  
  
As the spaceship very quickly headed back to earth, Frank spoke to them.  
  
"I came here because I thought that we were going to invade this puny planet. And I am not going back until that is finished. Granted-" He looked around. "-I did a few things that the mission did not call for. But I am not going to give up this easily.  
  
"Now, the contact is still there. And he knows everything there is to know about takeovers. He will assist us. I will keep both of you under close watch until the mission is completed. If you even think about taking a step out of line, I will kill both of you."  
  
They nodded in agreement. He still had the laser trained on them, and the harshness of his voice told them that he wasn't kidding. They very much belived that if they tried to compromise the mission again, that they would wind up dead.  
  
"Well then, now that we've come to an agreement, we will be landing shortly. If you'd care to fasten your lap-strap-" He paused and laughed coldly at his mockery of a flight attendant "And keep it fastened until we land." He turned on his heel, and walked out to the ball room, where he sat down on his large throne.  
  
~~**~~  
  
He had heard the news from Dr. Scott. His last chance at getting what he wanted the most had failed. The one thing he had longed for all of his life had been taken away from him. he almost had it, but then, it wasn't even HIM, no, rather it was the two people he was relying on most that had taken it away.  
  
If he still had his old group, then he'd have a chance. Then he would be able to get what was just in his reach. But he didn't. he no longer had his group of supporters. All he had was this little shithole suburb, which didn't even amount to anything.  
  
~~**~~  
  
Brad and Janet sat down for a nice little dinner at their home. Surprisingly enough, that night hadn't done very much to impact their relationship, or if it had, they were very good at hiding it. No one could tell that anything was wrong at all.  
  
And as far as the two of them were concerned, all was well. They had 3 weeks to go until their wedding, and all the preparations were done. They had bought a house, settled everything at the church, and in not even a month were going to be man and wife.  
  
It was about as close as you could get to any of the Stepford movies without any of them being zombies. The house had a neat, tidy, white picket fence out front, they had a nice cute dog that would get the paper for them every day, and they loved each other very much.  
  
But as perfect as their life was, they wanted more. They wanted to have fun. To experience the things that they couldn't in the small suburb. That night had affected them more than they let on. It opened up a world of curiosity to them. It showed them what life was like outside Denton. And they both wanted to experience that life in full. 


End file.
